LET'S TALK ABOUT: SEX & OUR CHILDREN

Yesterday, riding home on the train I read an article in Essence 'Our Teens Secret Sex Lives'. The article was astonishing for me because I couldn't believe the things I was reading that children are doing in middle school.

I'm not sure how many of you had the "sex talk" with your parents, but I know for many it probably went something like this: don't bring home no babies, don't get no girl pregnant because I'm not taking care of any babies. Now I can say that my mom told me that her grandmother told her that what she had between her legs was a gold mine. I got it, women have something that is special and precious, I completely understood that. However, after reading the Essence article most parents, the majority of parents if I dare say don't do enough of the right talking with their children. Here is what teens had to say and some statistics.

"When my mother talks to me about sex, I don't really pay attention. It's awkward."

"According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 1 in 2 AA girls will become pregnant before 20, nearly twice the national average."

"The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports among 13 to 24 year olds, AA account for 55% of new HIV cases, while nearly half of all Black girls between 14 and 19 are affected with at least one STI, such as chlamydia, herpes, or HPV."

"I wish instead of telling me not to have sex my mother would tell me exactly how to say no."

"A guy will want to be with a girl, so he'll have his friends go up to her and just insult her, insult her, insult her, telling her she's ugly, her breasts are lopsided, she has stretch marks, nappy hair, she's fat, whatever you can think of, then when she's feeling really weak and insecur, the guy will come up behind her and tell her, 'I think you're beautiful.' Suddenly, he looks like Prince Charming.

"Children are dealing with an enormous pressure to engage in sexual activity, no matter the age, color, creed, education or income level of the parents."

"More than 40% of teens surveyed said theyhave gone online to view pornography; 42% say they've been shown pornography by a friend."

"They are treating porn as instructional vidos for how to have sex."

"We have to talk to them about infatuation and love."

"My cousin who's 15 said I should get as much oral sex as I can." (teen boy 13!)

"After a girl gives you a blow job you have to act like you are unhappy. That way she will come back and try to make it better."

"I was on FaceBook and a guy posted that he wasn't ready for sex yet. All his friends called him gay."

"We need to provide other examples of manhood so boys can try to prove themselves in ways other than acting out sexually."

"Teach sons qualities like self-discipline, loyalty and integrity - give them opportunities to develop those traits."

"Girls need to have respect and self esteem."

"If you want your girls not to have sex, put them in sports. Those girls are focused." (teen boy 13!)

WOW! Those are just a few quotes from the 4 1/2 page article in Essence. As a mother of a 6 year old, it let me know I need to talk to my son about sex and yes when need to start at an early age like 3. We also have to be mindful of sexual predators not that you want your child to be molested but once they are old enough to talk and understand they need to know the correct terms for their private areas (vagina, penis, anus) and they need to know those areas are private and off limits and realistically we need to tell the the same thing about their mouths! This is something that I talk to my son about often.

Young girls are performing oral sex on boys as early as 10 maybe earlier and they must understand that they can catch diseases in their throats. More importantly the need to understand that they are too young to engage in any type of sexual activity and to respect and love themselves and their bodies.

It is not enough as parents and Christians to tell our children to wait until they are married. Truth be told that concept didn't work on the majority of us. Not saying that it is impossible to teach your child to stay a virgin until marriage and that goes for boys and girls but the dialogue needs to go further if this will be achieved.

Like the article mentioned teach young boys self-discipline, loyalty, and integrity, teach them to respect themselves. We need to teach our sons that their bodies are precious and not every woman they see is deserving of their precious gift as well. We also need to teach our sons to use their brains and think and not let the impulses of the body take control. As well as keep them busy.

We need to talk to our children about the tingly feeling they get or the butterflies they feel when they see someone of the opposite sex that they are attracted to. We have to be realistic as parents and realize that our children can be thinking about sex at the early age of 9/10.

For me this is unbelievable I think I kissed a boy at 9 but sex was the farthest thing from my mind. Times have changed completely, the Internet, TV, videos, and songs there are a lot of outside influences on our children. Peer pressure is real, heck many adults still succumb to peer pressure.

As parents we need to get real and we need to get transparent. Be honest with your child about the age that you had sex, let them know if you regretted what you did and why. Talk about feelings, emotions, heart ache, and pain that is associated with sex. Go further then the don't get pregnant or when you feel you are ready I will take you to get birth control and make sure you use condoms speech.

When you introduce the topic of sex to your sons and daughters let them know they are precious, they are valuable, they should respect their bodies and demand that other respect them as well. If they feel they are been violated in anyway they need to feel comfortable speaking to you and letting you know.

Fathers, teach your daughters the game teach them all the things boys say to trick them into having sex and let them know that most boys are only out for one thing and then they are gone and off to conquer the next woman. Teach your sons not to be out like dogs chasing cats but to find respectable girls to date and be with. To respect and love the girls they date like their own mothers and sisters. Also teach them to stand up for and protect other girls/women. More importantly be an EXAMPLE of this behavior.

Mothers, you too can teach your daughters the game and all the things that boys will say to try and get into their pants. Teach them that kissing and petting leads to other things. To never be alone in a room with a boy. To absolutely not perform any sexual acts in front of others to have respect for themselves even if no one else does. Let your daughters know from the moment they are born, they are beautiful, precious gifts that should be treasured and not everyone is worthy to unwrap them. Fathers be an example to your daughters, treat their mothers with respect, treat them with respect show them what it means to be loved by a man.

Most importantly get your children involved in activities, sports, community work, volunteering, keep them as busy as possible. It won't keep them from having sex completely but it will help. Spend time with your children, pour into them what you want to come out, be open and approachable for all issues that they have so that they comfortable and are willing to speak to you.

Create an opportunity for open dialogue and keep it real!

Be a blessing and be blessed,
Epiphany Essentials